Imaginary letter from Mark Nelson the leader of “NO on Measures 66 and 67”

As I’ve learned more about the people who wrote and funded the Carol Leuthold letter, I’ve pondered what a letter from one of its authors would look like if he were temporarily unable to lie, as in Jim Carrey’s movie Liar!Liar!

The following is my best guess. Enjoy!

Dear Oregon voter,

Hi, my name is Mark Nelson, the name Carol Leuthold was merely my nom de plume in the letter of November 16. I’ve suddenly been overcome by a strange sensation; just now I seem to be incapable of lying! I hope this sensation passes quickly because it could cost me my plush job spearheading a vicious, deceptive and well funded campaign to defeat Measures 66 and 67, Oregon’s Tax Initiatives.

I was tagged for this leadership role by the well-heeled individuals I represent because, in my former job as a tobacco lobbyist I demonstrated a capacity to do anything for a buck; and I couldn’t pass the bar exam. I’m just an ordinary, upper income guy pursuing the American dream without being hindered by personal scruples or by whom I hurt. Hell, if these Measures are defeated I might save a few dollars on my own earnings of $250k a year or more, so this is personal, not just business.

Please understand, the individuals I represent only care about one thing: keeping all the money they’ve been able to siphon out of their businesses in salaries and bonuses. I’m not here to judge whether they’ve earned their compensation of well over $250k per year or not, only to explain that they wish to keep every penny. And you’ve got to hand it to them, most of them have funded my campaign with business money, not their own after-tax earnings. You’ve got to respect people that are that clever and that powerful; I know I do.

Of course I wouldn’t get anywhere by pitching an honest ad or letter like “keep the upper 2.5% of income earners from shouldering any of the costs of schools, courts, highways and social services; instead please dumb down your schools, grant early releases to your thieves, murderers and rapists, throw some of the old, the sick and the indigent into the street.” Let’s face it, the poorest 97.5 % of Oregonians have no sympathy for the plight of the wealthiest 2.5%. I was forced to gin up a phony “typical” dairy farmer, ostensibly one of the poorer majority, find someone rich enough and either foolish or greedy enough to lend his/her name to the letter, and then throw together all the half-truths, lies and fear-mongering I could think of. Could I have written a better letter… certainly, but we were in a hurry. Besides, we’ve got other stuff in the pipeline that will make that letter seem like it was written by a Sunday School teacher.

Oh wait, the strange sensation is waning; I’ll be able to keep my job!

Sincerely (sort of), Mark

Executive Compensation and Other Parasitic Loads (3/13)

Feel Vulnerable? You can beggar your neighbors and your kids for temporary relief (3/19)

Tea bagging and the greatest degeneration (4/17)

Stop whining about taxes, we’re in serious trouble! (4/22)